This One Conversation Helped Us Hit RESET on our Chaotic Household

In July, our family met some mid-summer doldrums. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in writing, but it’s fitting. Everyone was cranky with one another, play got rougher, words got more cutting, respect felt like it was at an all-time low. Overall patience was thin. And our interactions were missing a quality that lead to fulfillment. 

Typically, when there’s dissonance or discomfort in a situation, I try to fill the gaps for everyone. That entails trying to make everyone happy – which CAN work as a short term strategy, but definitely not a long term one. And isn’t really the best approach anyway. 

So one July evening, after evening fits at dinnertime and bedtime and practically every time in between, I was frantically writing in my journal when I stumbled upon the problem.  

It was me. 

Well, to be honest, it was me AND Casey. It was US. 

WE are the leaders of our household; we are the ones who were supposed to keep order. And I had the feeling that we didn’t even know the rules anymore.

When I finished writing, Casey and I talked about how we want our family to treat one another, the fact that our home is a safe zone, and about having a family meeting the next day to discuss these things. 

I wrote on the chalkboard “Family Meeting – Tomorrow at 5pm – Kitchen Table”. 

“Tomorrow at 5pm” came, and wouldn’t you know it, I had cooled off and it had been a better day. But by then we were on this. We wanted to change the paradigm of interactions in our house. So we called together our family meeting. 

Our agenda was: 

• Current state of the household
• How we want our home to feel using value terms
• How each value is demonstrated
• Agreement that we’ll all do better

Everyone was engaged in the conversation, not just Casey and I. Both Caitlyn (17) and Chloe (5) brought up how some of the values are NOT demonstrated, as well as great ideas on how they ARE. I was honestly surprised by their level of engagement. Caitlyn because well, teenagers. And Chloe because I wasn’t sure how much she would really understand. While I’m sure it wasn’t their favorite conversation, they were both pretty awesome, open, and participatory. 

We all agreed that we want: 

• Cooperation – demonstrated by looking for ways to work together and help each other
• Communication – using words in responsible and respectful ways
• Compassion – showing love and tenderness for each other’s experience
• Kindness – choosing to be loving to one another; as well as listening to and honoring requests of others
• Respect – honoring each person’s role in the family, even in disagreements; and honoring boundaries
• Responsibility – being accountable for your own actions and assigned tasks; AND
• Integrity – always doing the right thing. 

As we went through each Value and definition, we talked about what it looks like and doesn’t look like, using examples of recent escapades in our home. It opened up a channel for each of us to say how we like to be treated and what frankly just gets on our nerves or infuriates us. 

The conversation gave us a time to clear the air and to consciously think about and define what we are co-creating in our home. And following the family meeting, we started speaking in value terms more, especially with Chloe so we could reinforce the language with her and give her encouragement and recognition when she was demonstrating a value on our list. 

If you like the idea of talking about values in terms of how they are demonstrated, check out Simon Sinek. He is a speaker and thought-leader in the world of leadership and talks about your “why”, “how”, and “what” in terms of purpose. His book Start With Why is great, and another book of his, Find Your Why, will give more information about talking in terms of demonstration when you’re defining How you want to fulfill your vision.

In this case, our vision was a peaceful, joyful home where each of us feel safe and loved. Our Hows are the list of values above. The values you set (the How of your family), of course, will be unique to your family but I hope our list is helpful to see it play out. 

Having this conversation had a trickle effect for me, causing me to think about values in other areas of my life as well. It even caused me to start running, going from not running in about a year to running 1.5 miles without stopping within 5 runs. 

If this sparks some conversation or questions for you, write me and let me know!  I’d love to hear your thoughts.