Current Events Triggering Painful Memories

This morning I was getting ready for the day and an event from my past jumped into my awareness. It was kind of out of the blue. Memories can be like that sometimes. 

Before I dive into it, I want to say that this post may be triggering for some people, specifically women. I also want to say that although recent events have definitely triggered this memory for me, this is not a political post. It’s not about whether current events are true or untrue. It’s about my story and a common story that is held by thousands if not millions of women. 

When I was in my early twenties, I went to visit a friend from high school. She was one of my best friends then and I adored her and her family. She had been recently married or engaged (I can’t remember exactly which one). And she was either getting ready to have or just had given birth to a baby (again, this detail is fuzzy). 

I went to her apartment which was really cool for me at the time. I was still in college and she was probably one of my few friends that seemed to be “starting life”. Their apartment was small but quaint and cozy. We each had a beer. 

We, my friend, her man, and me; visited for a couple of hours and watched some TV and then started a movie. She got tired and said she was going to bed. I got up to leave. She insisted that I stay to watch the movie and gave me a hug and walked out. 

I was very uncomfortable when her man brought me another beer, so I said, “No thanks.” And I got up to leave again. He blocked me and then forced himself on me, trying to kiss me. I pushed him away. I was in shock and in that instant understood the discomfort I had been feeling previously. 

I felt stuck and completely unsure of what to do. I was appalled. And I said so. And then I tried in every single way I could think of to help him see that what he was doing was wrong. “I’m not interested.” “You are married (or engaged).” “I. am. not. interested.” “She is my friend.” “I am NOT interested.” Desperation creeping up with every single statement. 

Finally, in desperation to leave, I told him that I would tell her. His response, “She will never believe you. She’ll believe me. I’ll tell her that you came on to me and I kicked you out.” 

Heartbroken, violated, defeated and too upset to be angry, I pushed my way to the door and left. 

I woke up the next morning thinking that I had the worst nightmare of my life – so real it seemed. I realized it was not a nightmare later that morning, when I received a call. He told her exactly what he said he would. And she believed him. And apparently it was not the first time he had done this. 

I haven’t spoken with her since, although I do think of her. 

I write about this now for several reasons. 

First, it occurs to me now that the more we allow Disbelievers to control whether we voice our stories, the more they control the outcomes. It’s scary as hell to tell a story like this, to open yourself up to the judgement that may come. This happened about 1/2 my life ago and my parents don’t know (until now). For some reason, unknown to me for a long time, I have carried shame for this. Even though that doesn’t make sense, it’s true. The psychology of victimhood doesn’t always follow “common sense”. Now I know that the shame I have carried about this reflects more about society’s views of these incidents and how our system first attempts to blame women, than it ever has reflected about me personally.  — And this isn’t even the only or the worst such event of my life.

Secondly, similar to the first, is that without talking about the fact that these types of events are so prevalent, without making them real to those who would be disbelievers, we allow people to ignore the presence of this ugliness. 

And in saying this, I must say that I also respect the choice of those who need to stay silent for reasons they may not even fully understand. I wish for you to stand in your full power, however that comes to you. Again, the psychology of victimhood is complex and you should not be judged for not coming forward. You do not owe anyone anything. Those of us who can come forward, whenever we feel ready to do so, will stand for you also. 

Thirdly, I write to demonstrate that it is very possible to have an experience that occurred many years ago and have some facts blurry and others vivid. It doesn’t make the memory any less accurate. It makes the blurry details less accurate for sure. In my situation, what ended up being memorable for me was the terror I felt and why I felt it. So much so that I don’t remember with clarity what could have been lovely (an engagement or marriage, a baby coming or born). I know this will strike some readers as political, but I’m not trying to be political here. I am simply pointing out a truth I saw with great clarity in my own life just this morning.

Lastly, I think we must allow ourselves the ability to sit with discomfort…   to sit in the horror of the fact that these events happen. Making such events political just allows us to detach, it takes us away from the discomfort. And the discomfort is where healing is possible, for the victim and for humanity as a whole. The discomfort is where we sit and feel compassion for another’s experience. The discomfort allows us to say, “what can I do about this?” And sitting in another’s discomfort is where we see the humanity in someone regardless of other similarities or differences. 

Refusing to sit with uncomfortable truths robs others of their opportunity for healing.  Click To Tweet

Refusing to sit with uncomfortable truths robs others of their opportunity for healing, plain and simple. And it’s time for all of us to enable a massive collective healing by sitting in this discomfort, acknowledging disgraceful behavior and putting an end to it.